Finding peace.

I haven't posted an update since Tuesday. Obviously the commitment part of my little challenge to myself is not going well. I have at least ten excuses I could list as to why I haven't updated, but none of them are good excuses. The simple fact is that I dropped the ball. Period.

I've been struggling a lot lately. And I keep thinking that if I just get my shit together, I'll find my purpose and find peace and happiness. I keep feeling like I need to DO something to find it.

Then, today, I read this quote on Facebook shared by a friend...

Well, if that doesn't just sum up about everything I've been doing wrong lately. But the question remains, "How do you find peace among chaos?"

I don't have the answer right now, but I'm more optimistic that if I listen to my spirit, to my heart, and quiet my mind more, that I might find it.

The night I had no idea what to write.

I knew this night would come I just didn't think it would be so soon! I have absolutely no idea what to write tonight. I started a post about living your dreams, but that just wasn't tonight's post, so I saved it, and now I'm writing this. Genius!

Here is what I do know: 

I know that the Elf needs to be moved. I also know he needs to be cleaned because putting the Elf on the shelf you never dust isn't really a good idea.

I know the boy had a fever earlier, so tomorrow isn't likely to go as I had it scheduled. 

I know I was on Facebook for way to long tonight and procrastinated on writing until now. 

I know I need a FB detox. 

I know I put a really funny narrative about the girl and the baby Buddha on FB and should have thought to post it here. 

I know I'm still struggling with my goals: Simplofy, Organize, Focus, Believe. 

I know if I don't go to bed now I am going to regret it in the morning. 

So on that note, it's time to move the Elf. Until tomorrow…

Not ready to write that yet

I just started an entry about my parents. I started typing, then stopped. Because I'm not ready to write that story yet. It's a confusing one. One with a lot of love, but also a lot of pain. One where I feel torn about who I am ~ hero or villain. Probably more likely a combination of both. As the Facebook relationship status says, it's complicated.

I hesitated on starting this blog, and procrastinated on writing because I felt like I was terrified of being completely honest and being judged on my honesty. Obviously that was back in the day when I thought that people would actually READ the blog. (Not that I'm trying to get anyone to read it. I don't share it right now. I'm not ready for that either.) 

But I see the way some bloggers are treated online. It's like the celebrities who had their nude photos stolen from their phones - the argument from some was that they shouldn't take nude photos. No, people shouldn't hack into other people's private property. It's their choice to take whatever photos they like. 

No, you won't see any nude photos here (believe me, you would not want to see them!) but I am showing you my naked self, at least from the inside. And yes, I am choosing to put it out there, but I'm doing it for me. I'm not writing this for anyone but myself right now. But the day is coming when I'm going to choose to share it, and that scares the crap out of me!

I hate what the Internet has done to people ~ why suddenly it's okay to be mean and bully people you don't know just because they don't have the same opinion as you. It's not okay. Period. I enjoy a good discussion as much as the next person, and my beliefs aren't the same as everyone else's, but I can agree to disagree. It's not my purpose, nor my intention, to make you think the way I do. I just want you to respect my side for the reasons I present. You don't have to like it.

But it still scares me. I'm very open about most things, but this one I'm struggling with, and I need to figure out why I'm struggling before I share it. Just another step in this journey. Good thing I gave myself a year to get it done!

The first time I forgot.

Last night I put my kids to bed. I made some popcorn, got a beer, and sat on the sofa with my hubby and watched some mindless TV. I cleaned up the kitchen, moved the elf, and went up to bed. I laid there, played my move in Words with Friends, checked Facebook one last time, and then I put down my phone and went to sleep. And I forgot. 

For the first night since I started this little challenge to myself I completely forgot. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it, but it's kind of a letdown that I missed a day this early in my challenge. But I did. And now all I can do is try to do better. And this itself is a challenge. 

In my life, when I miss a day or let myself down, I tend to give up. I'm hard on myself. I see the failure and not the chance to improve. Blow the diet by eating a cupcake? Might as well just eat 10 cupcakes because I failed. It doesn't make any sense, and logically I know that, but I still do it nearly every time I eff-up. 

But not this time. I missed a day, and I'm pissed about it, but instead of accepting my failure and letting it control me, I'm moving forward. I've always loved the "Keep Moving Forward" mantra from Walt Disney highlighted at the end of Meet the Robinsons, but it's rare that I actually live it, and that needs to change!

Keep moving forward…

The best laid plan

I'm late again tonight. I had a great post planned about today and how my attempts to organize are being thwarted by some evil force in the universe (and no, I'm not being dramatic!) but the baby Buddha is sick. Temp of 102, up twice crying already, and just a sad little dude. I put him back down, and he's not crying, but he's still not asleep. So here I sit, on my sofa afraid to walk back up my creaky stairs because I don't want him to hear me. 

So what's the point of all this? It's that old phrase, "We plan, God laughs." Well everything about this day was a reminder of that. And that's basically been the theme of my life for the last ten years, maybe longer if I truly sit and think about it. I am all too familiar, yet I still need a day like today to remind me that it is out of my hands. Whether you believe in God or some other Master of the Universe (Our father, who art He-Man) or even if you believe in nothing, you need to know that you are never going to be 100% in control. You can't plan for everything. There are always going to be rainy days, stores that are out of what you need, flat tires, and babies born with genetic bonuses. 

Yes, I did just compare my son to a rainy day. Because some days with him, it pours. And today was a day when I expected to see the rain. The rest of my day was rainy. The past meetings had been rainy. But not this morning's meeting. Finally, after two years the rain started to clear. Finally I think I see the sun peeking through. And I definitely did not plan on that! 

Grateful

Tonight I went to a party. And I was surrounded by talented, wonderful, fabulous women who share the common thread of running a business. Some businesses are small, others larger. Some have walls, and others occupy a corner. Some have been around a long time while others are brand new. But those differences don't matter. We share this common thread and support each other's endeavors no matter how great or how small. It's an amazing community to be part of. 

When I joined Origami Owl and started my business my very first "why" was to meet new people and make new friends. Tonight I looked around a room and saw how that goal has been accomplished. 

I'm not always sure if Origami Owl is where my future lies, but one thing I am sure of is that I will be forever grateful for the doors it's opened and people it's brought into my life. I used to laugh a little when people called our company "life changing," but now I see it. I always thought they were talking about the money, and I'm not going to say the money isn't nice, because it is. But that room of women is the life changing part for me. All thanks to a locket. 

If only they could stay little...

I used to say that I would NEVER be one of those moms who wished her child could stay little. Why was I so adamant about it? Because with the boy, he never seems to age. It takes so long to reach a milestone, and when we do, it is awesome, but he's pretty much stuck at being a toddler, and that kind of sucks. So, I swore I would NEVER utter that phrase with my children.

Never say NEVER…

I want to freeze time on all three of them! Even the boy! He's 9 now… 9-years-old! And he's safely tucked into his elementary school where he is known and loved. There aren't any bullies, or at least none that he encounters. They foster a caring environment with his class, and he is happy. And while I hate that I have been changing his diapers for 9 years, he hasn't hit puberty yet, and he's small, so that's not as bad as it's going to get. (And the though of that getting to that point I'm referring to keeps me up at night! Seriously, not sure I can handle it. Ugh.)

And don't get me started on my younger ones. The girl is 6 now. SIX! She's becoming more mature right before my eyes. The words she uses, the way she presents herself, she's turning into a big girl bordering on a young lady. She's definitely not my baby and is creeping away from being my little girl. She drives me crazy, but I'd rather take sassy little girl crazy than teenager crazy any day!

Oh, and my Buddha. I might start to cry as I type about my Buddha baby. He will forever be my Buddha baby, even when he's 30 and living in my basement because I babied him too much. He's growing up too, and I hate it! I want to squeeze him until he stops!

So I get it now. I get wanting to freeze time. I still love seeing my children become people, growing into the adults they are meant to be, but I hate it at the same time.

Today, the girl told me she didn't want to be a grown-up. I jokingly said, "Neither do I." Meaning that *I* don't want to be a grown-up, but part of me doesn't want to see her be a grown-up either.

It's still today in Oregon

Crap. Late again. I guess it's time I came clean. I am always late. I try, and sometimes the planets align, and I show up on time, or even on a few rare occassions, early. But 80% of the time, I'm between 2 and 10 minutes late. 

So let's pretend we're in Oregon tonight. It's one of my favorite states! And out there it's only 9:30 PM today instead of after Midnight tomorrow. 

And maybe when tomorrow does come, I'll put on the agenda to try and work this daily journaling in a little earlier in the day. And maybe I'll actually do it and be on time tomorrow! Hey, stranger things have happened…

New Goal

My hubby put on a show tonight called Vacation Home for Free. Have you seen this? You buy a house and they fix it up and rent it during peak weeks so that you essentially get it for free. Where do I sign up?! 

I turned off the TV tonight with a big fat reminder again that anything is possible. You don't have to be a millionaire to own a vacation home. You just need to think outside the box and be creative. Keep the goal in mind… I will own a vacation home. Does it really matter of you rent it 12 weeks a year to offset the costs? No. You still have a vacation home to use at your descetion 40 weeks a year! Again, where do I sign up?!!!

Your dreams might seem big and out of reach. There are always going to be obstacles and barriers to reaching them, but it can be done!

Now excuse me while I go email HGTV for an application…

One week!

I made it through one week of daily journaling! Woo hoo! Only 51 more weeks to go!

When I gave myself this challenge, I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I just read through this week's posts, and they aren't earth shattering. It's definitely not my best writing. I'm also pretty sure no one is reading it, which actually, is totally fine with me! But the positive thing I'm taking from this week is that I did it. I showed up! Even those nights I wanted to say, "Screw it." I stayed accountable to myself and did it. 

Yep, this is me patting myself on the back for making it a week. Imagine what I'll do when I last the entire year! 

This.

Today has been a rough day for me. And I'm not sure I have the words to describe how I'm feeling without sounding like a rambling lunatic. I was procrastinating on my entry tonight because of that, and instead I was going through today's emails which I neglected while nursing my funk, and I came across this. And so, I'll let this talk for me tonight.

The Unexpected Lives We're Living

Nothing to say.

I've been struggling with reconciling a decision made by someone in one of my support networks. In her post sharing the news, she said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything." So I've said nothing. It's not that I don't want to be nice, but I don't agree with the choice being made and question the rationale around making it. I want to question it. I want to ask if they truly investigated all the alternatives. I want to know why. And I want to tell them WHY NOT. But I don't. I'm saying nothing. 

It's hard sometimes to be in this world. I hate the phrase "God only gives special children to special people." He doesn't. He gives them to ordinary people. Some embrace their new role and become extraordinary. Others don't. God has nothing to do with that. 

My faith hasn't been stellar lately, and this is shaking it a little more. But I'm praying for peace on this one. To get my head and heart to let go of the sadness and anger I'm feeling. It's hard though... To be faithful... To let go... It's a struggle. And it's one I'm currently losing. 

Kid Quotes

I have three kids. Three. THREE. I know some people have four or more, and kudos to them for not losing it because I'm barely keeping it together with three!

Anyway, my very dear friend B whom I've know for 20 years happens to be the third or three children in her family. B is very bitter because there's nothing in her baby book except her name. Years ago I promised B that if I had three children, I would never let that happen. I lied.

The Baby Buddha has a baby book. I'm pretty sure I wrote his name in it. I'm really not sure where it is. I know there's nothing else in it.

But I have Facebook! So I tried to post the important milestones there since FB never deletes anything and I can go back to the timeline and try to figure out sometime before he graduates high school when he took his first steps. Thank you, Facebook!

I share kid quotes there too, but not all the time because I feel like they are probably funnier to me than anyone else, and I don't want to get labeled as the Facebooker who only posts about her kids, so my dear reader (if anyone is actually reading this) you are now going to be the recipient of some kid quotes! Enjoy!

Baby Buddha: Potty!
The Girl: He wants to go on the potty, Mommy!
Me: But he has no idea how to go on the potty yet.
The Girl: I know Mommy, but I believe that he does!

Okay, that's the only one I actually can remember right now. I know there were others. I really need to write them down. Now where the hell is that baby book?!

Simplify

So last night I chose not to go. I was going to audition for a community theatre production. It's something I used to love doing, and I thought that maybe it was the thing that I need to fill the void I'm feeling in my life. The problem is that I'm not ready. It's not the right time. I know some might say that's just an excuse, that there is never a right time, but honestly, it's not. Adding one more thing to my plate, even if it's something I love, is not what I need.

I go back and focus on my goals I laid out - you remember, SOFB? Simplify, Organize, Focus and Believe. (And, as a footnote, Commit, which is what this current blogging phase is about.) That order isn't just for the acronym, as appropriate as it might be, but it's also logical. I need to first Simplify, then I can Organize what's left, Focus on what's next, and Believe in what's possible.

It's easy to say you don't follow though because it's hard. I know the audition would have been hard. It's been 20 freaking years since I've auditioned for anything, and that was a high school production! But honestly, there's no urgency. It's not something I had to do yesterday. There will be shows next year. I'm can join the community theatre as a member. I'm can try and help out with some productions and get to know people first. I don't have to dive in, I can dip my toe in the water first and make sure this is really the pool I want to dive into before I do!

Simplifying… one choice at a time.

Late.

It's only day three and already I missed a day. Can I pretend I live in central time? 

So much to say, but it's been a long day. Short story, I cried a lot. I didn't go through with my plans for tonight, making the hubby right (I hate that!) and I just finished the night by reading some news that makes me sad and mad at the same time. 

A lot to process and share tomorrow at a more reasonable time of day. 

Until then…