Adjusting Our Sails

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

~James Dean

I’m standing in the grocery store crying. Not the ugly cry, but there are tears. Then under my breath, I mumble those three words… fuck my life.

What brought on this breakdown in the local Giant? The discovery that Bob’s Red Mill has changed the formula on their gluten free pancake mix. Yep. That’s it. But for me, it’s ridiculously huge.

The Boy doesn’t chew. He only eats purees, and he has some random food sensitivities. One of the random things that he’s sensitive to is rice. Strange, but true. So the for years I’ve been using the Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free Pancake mix with a modified recipe to make a high fat and high protein pancake that I used as a base for most of his pureed meals. It blended well, and he liked the texture, and it was the only one on the market that did not contain rice flour. Until now.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big problem, but it is a big pain in the ass. And those are the things about this life that seem to get to me the most. The “now I have to come up with a new recipe for nearly everything my son eats” moments. I just don’t want to do it.

But I will. I’ll adjust my sails and keep this boat afloat.

(I just can’t promise I won’t complain about it!)

Now, does anyone know where I can find a good gluten-free, dairy-free, rice-free, coconut-free, high protein, high fat pancake recipe?

It's Groundhog Day... Again.

If you haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray, I'm sorry. Go watch it. Now. It's hilarious. It was even funnier to me because I grew up 30 minutes from Punxsutawney, and the people depicted in the movie remind me of people I knew. But even if you know nothing about Punxsutawney or its beloved spring forecasting groundhog, it's still pretty funny.

In the movie, Bill Murray finds himself stuck reliving the same day, Groundhog Day, over and over again. I woke up this morning feeling like I was stuck in the same neverending day. Awoken before dawn by the boy, who had a massive and runny BM that resulted in his pajamas going in the trash and the boy getting a shower at 5AM. This has become a typical thing again. And today was my breaking point. I'm just done.

On most days I'm pretty positive about things and choose to focus on the good that comes from having a special needs child. But there are days when I just want to give up and quit. It's not everyday, but it happens, and when it does, I need to let it out. I need to be heard and not judged. I need someone to acknowledge that what I have to deal with daily is not the norm, and it's hard. Damn hard. And that admitting it's hard and that I don't want to do it doesn't make me a terrible person or a bad mom. It makes me human.

I do believe in positive thinking, and that our thoughts are powerful. That's why I choose not to wallow in the negative. I've been there, and it's a dark, scary and lonely place. I found my way out of that with the help of friends, support groups, my doctor, and my therapist. I don't want to go back there. But none of that means I can't have a bad day. And it doesn't mean that I can't admit that despite a positive attitude, this life sucks sometimes... or a lot of the time. Because it does.

I posted first in a closed online support group, and one mom thanked me for being honest because she feels guilty for being frustrated and upset. Listen to me - don't ever feel guilty for that! We are human, and our feelings are real and valid, and sometimes it's all just a little too much. Doesn't mean we don't love our kids and it doesn't make us bad moms. And if you need to let it out, I'm here. No judgement. Ever.