If you haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray, I'm sorry. Go watch it. Now. It's hilarious. It was even funnier to me because I grew up 30 minutes from Punxsutawney, and the people depicted in the movie remind me of people I knew. But even if you know nothing about Punxsutawney or its beloved spring forecasting groundhog, it's still pretty funny.
In the movie, Bill Murray finds himself stuck reliving the same day, Groundhog Day, over and over again. I woke up this morning feeling like I was stuck in the same neverending day. Awoken before dawn by the boy, who had a massive and runny BM that resulted in his pajamas going in the trash and the boy getting a shower at 5AM. This has become a typical thing again. And today was my breaking point. I'm just done.
On most days I'm pretty positive about things and choose to focus on the good that comes from having a special needs child. But there are days when I just want to give up and quit. It's not everyday, but it happens, and when it does, I need to let it out. I need to be heard and not judged. I need someone to acknowledge that what I have to deal with daily is not the norm, and it's hard. Damn hard. And that admitting it's hard and that I don't want to do it doesn't make me a terrible person or a bad mom. It makes me human.
I do believe in positive thinking, and that our thoughts are powerful. That's why I choose not to wallow in the negative. I've been there, and it's a dark, scary and lonely place. I found my way out of that with the help of friends, support groups, my doctor, and my therapist. I don't want to go back there. But none of that means I can't have a bad day. And it doesn't mean that I can't admit that despite a positive attitude, this life sucks sometimes... or a lot of the time. Because it does.
I posted first in a closed online support group, and one mom thanked me for being honest because she feels guilty for being frustrated and upset. Listen to me - don't ever feel guilty for that! We are human, and our feelings are real and valid, and sometimes it's all just a little too much. Doesn't mean we don't love our kids and it doesn't make us bad moms. And if you need to let it out, I'm here. No judgement. Ever.
You are awesome. Always -even when you're noticing and pointing out the sucky in life - because somedays there sure seems to be a lot of it.
ReplyDeleteIt must be the day becasue today I am having one of those I am so freakin tired and DONE with this days. Someone once said to me... "It must be so nice to get to stay home and not work" WHAT? I want them to come to my house in the morning when I am changing my 28 year old sons messy diaper with poo up to his waist and then tell me just how lucky I am! I am doing his bedding almost every day because no matter what we do he pees through almost every day. After all he is 28 and pees a lot. We double diaper him but still it does no good. I never get sick days or a vacation. This is my life and I am thankful that we can afford for me to stay home and care for him but some days I need a break... or just someone who understands. So Lynne, I am telling you I understand and yes we are all human no matter how much we love them! ♥
ReplyDeleteYou mask "the suck" a lot Lynne, because you spread more sunshine with your smile and sense of humor than you'll ever know. I hope you save a little for yourself on days like these when you need it for yourself.
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