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Tuesday, August 13, 2013

That Was One Hell of a Fart!

So... my last post was in March, and now it's August. Um, yep, that was one hell of a blog fart!

I've been thinking about this blog a lot. Thinking... but not writing obviously. I think a lot. Then I think some more. And when I'm done with that thought, I think, well, more. But it's been a big fat nada on the actual writing.

The thing is, I want to write, but I'm scared. I've seen what happens when blogs go viral. I've read the comments. I want to share, and share everything - the good, the bad, and the horribly ugly - but it scares the shit out of me. This is nothing new - this fear of judgement and need to be accepted. I have been like this since I can remember. It's the reason why I didn't pursue my passion for acting. Because I was scared.

And being scared sucks.

But I'm scared a lot. Like, all the time. Having a child with special needs is scary. And being scared leads to the thinking, and over thinking, and thinking more again. Am I missing something? Should we be doing more therapy? Did I try hard enough? Am I giving up by not pursuing this further? Did I screw up? Would he be better off without me?

That last one was hard to type. But it's there. In my head. Could somebody raise The Boy better than I can?

I've heard the phrase, "God only gives special children to special parents" too many times to count. And when I hear it, it takes every ounce of energy not to scream, "Bullshit!" at the person who said it. I'm an ordinary parent with an extraordinary child who is trying my best to be above average, but who feels like each day I'm barely keeping my head above water. Perhaps one of these more 'special parents' could do a better job than me.

And this is why I haven't been posting. Because I hate being negative. Since The Boy was born, I have tried very hard to maintain a positive outlook. But some days I really wish that God had not decided that I was 'special'.

And so, it begins again. With no expectations, no promises. If I'm happy, you'll get happy. If I'm sad, you'll get sad. But most often, you'll probably get a combination of both with everything in between. This is it folks. Me. And that's all I can be.

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